I Am Loved

One of the biggest battles in my life has been the fear of failure. I am a perfectionist to the core, and I am always so afraid of letting people down. When something I did disappoints someone else, I feel so guilty I become so sick to my stomach, and sometimes can't get out of bed from being so sick. I have made huge strides in this battle. I use to not turn my homework in because I didn't think it was done right. Even after slaving hours on end over it! I rather get a zero than fail. Luckily I broke that in high school, but the battle still exists and I still am fighting for my life.

This past week, I found myself failing this fight. I am overwhelmed with so much going on. I am planning a week trip to South Africa, and need to make sure all is placed in order before I leave. I have a team coming next week, and an adoptive family coming for their court date. We just took in two more kids, which takes more effort getting them settled along with what our board wants us to do for each kid (bios and pictures. Clothing sizes and general information). Everything came crashing down at one time, and I let the old lies creep back into my head. The pressure to get every project completed perfectly became my obsession. I am human. No way can I do everything perfectly. Then those evil voices come screaming back at me, “You are not good enough and you will never amount to anything. What makes you think you will make a difference?” Of course, I buy these lies. I fell so hard in my battle. It took every ounce of courage to keep the smile on my face. Then Friday happened. A couple different people came to me and said my actions disappointed or angered them. “See. There you go letting someone else down. Grow up and start being the person everyone expects you to be.” I lost it. After the second person came to me, I broke down. I wept on my bed for an hour, as I beat myself up for being such a disappointment to the people in my life.

I do not usually post bad days on Facebook because I do not like complaining. I did on Friday though. I felt so beat up! I knew prayer would get me through the tough season and onto the lesson to be learned. So, I went and made my bad day public. I was flooded with encouragement from those who love me. My heart was touched, but I was needing some advice! Obviously my twenty-two years of existence has yet to teach me how to win the nasty battle of perfectionism before I feel completely defeated. Then today happened. I loaded up my fourteen little munchkins and three staff into our van and drove to church just like every Sunday. As the pastor began preaching, he shared his fear of failure. I instantly started squirming in my seat! I was pretty sure the guy broke into my house, and based his sermon on my journal entries. We read one of my favorite Psalms, chapter twenty three. My soul soaked up the passage, and I began to feel renewed. I was reminded that no matter what I do, no matter what I fail at, no matter who I let down, I will always be loved by God. That is a truth I must cling onto until my final day! That is a truth I must claim whenever the enemy throws those familiar lies in my face. I am loved by God, and nothing can separate me from that love!

I do not share this to say, “oh woe is me!”, and I do not share to point anything towards me. I share because I know I am not alone in my battle of failure and perfectionism. We are humans living in a fallen world. We are no where near perfect, but Christ is! He guides us, and brings us to the goodness of life. He whispers His perfect love in our ears as we fail those around us. He picks us up off the ground when we fall flat on our faces by trying to do things our own way. He loves us. Cling onto that truth, and forget what the enemy says. Place your value in Him, and allow Christ to control your worth. I know that is so much easier said than done! This is my biggest personal battle, and I constantly struggle, but I also believe that perfect love, Christ's love, casts out all fear. Together, we can conquer this battle.