As I share with friends and family about applying with a new ministry, I continually say, "if I get accepted...."
Which is followed by a, "Why wouldn't you get accepted?"
Which leads to, "Well, it isn't as though I think God can't make it happen, but if it doesn't that means God has something else in mind, and that is what I want."
Which leads to an, "Oh I guess that makes sense," and I am left thinking, "you are still confused."
This past Saturday, I was at church. As I was washing my hands, I struck up a conversation with a friend. She was doing her makeup, and we talked about how we feel when our makeup does not end up like we hoped.
"So how has your new year gone?" my friend asks,
"Good!" I reply. I mean, it was a week into the new year, and I still cannot wrap my head around the fact I am in 2016, "I have been working on an application to a new ministry. If all goes well, I will be back in Africa this time next year,"
"That is awesome! What would you be doing?"
"There have been a number of different possibilities mentioned, but I hope to work with a people group in Uganda. I mean, if I get accepted that is,"
"Oh, it will happen! Have faith!"
"I say 'if' because if this is not what God has for me, then I know there is something better, and I rather wait for that other thing then jump into the wrong thing,"
"Don't say 'if'" she begins to correct me, "that makes it about you. Say 'God willing.' I don't like the word 'if'. When I have a dream or a vision on my heart, I pray to God, 'this is my heart. This is what I want to give to you. But this is my will. Deeper than my will, I want Your will.' So I don't like that word 'if'."
This conversation spiraled into a two day conversation with God. From this point, I never confessed my deep desire to work among the Karamojong. I continued to play the "If" game with God, even as I earnestly prayed over my future. "God, if You want me there, I am willing to go." I forgot about Psalm 37:4, that says, "Take delight in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart." The desire of my heart brings glory to God. Why should I be afraid to confess these desires to the Maker of the Universe? Yet something deep within me caused a deep rooted fear of disappointment held dear to my soul. I refused to get settled on an opportunity then be let down by not being accepted.
This conversation changed my thinking for the better. My prayers changed from "If this is Your will..." to "There is nothing I want to do more than the idea of working with the local churches in Karamoja and start children's ministries -- to disciple these children every day, and teach them of the love of Jesus. This is MY heart, and what I want to do with the rest of my life. But deeper than that, I pray that Your will be in my life. Guide me to what You want me to do, and if this isn't it, guide me now to what is right." Since the moment my prayers have switched, I have felt a peace. there has been such a relief in confessing my heart to my Savior. I have been filled with a courage to keep pressing on in my application process, and to continue to deeply pray for the dream which lays on my heart and the people who have been placed there. I have officially turned in all pieces of my application, and reference forms have been sent out. I am still unsure of when I will hear anything, but I will continue through all the steps I need to accomplish.
I will never stop being astounded by the places I find myself being grasped by God. From church pews to conversations with complete strangers on airplanes to public bathrooms during a pass by conversation with a friend. But no matter where I am in the moments God grabs my heart, my life forever changes me.
Which is followed by a, "Why wouldn't you get accepted?"
Which leads to, "Well, it isn't as though I think God can't make it happen, but if it doesn't that means God has something else in mind, and that is what I want."
Which leads to an, "Oh I guess that makes sense," and I am left thinking, "you are still confused."
This past Saturday, I was at church. As I was washing my hands, I struck up a conversation with a friend. She was doing her makeup, and we talked about how we feel when our makeup does not end up like we hoped.
"So how has your new year gone?" my friend asks,
"Good!" I reply. I mean, it was a week into the new year, and I still cannot wrap my head around the fact I am in 2016, "I have been working on an application to a new ministry. If all goes well, I will be back in Africa this time next year,"
"That is awesome! What would you be doing?"
"There have been a number of different possibilities mentioned, but I hope to work with a people group in Uganda. I mean, if I get accepted that is,"
"Oh, it will happen! Have faith!"
"I say 'if' because if this is not what God has for me, then I know there is something better, and I rather wait for that other thing then jump into the wrong thing,"
"Don't say 'if'" she begins to correct me, "that makes it about you. Say 'God willing.' I don't like the word 'if'. When I have a dream or a vision on my heart, I pray to God, 'this is my heart. This is what I want to give to you. But this is my will. Deeper than my will, I want Your will.' So I don't like that word 'if'."
This conversation spiraled into a two day conversation with God. From this point, I never confessed my deep desire to work among the Karamojong. I continued to play the "If" game with God, even as I earnestly prayed over my future. "God, if You want me there, I am willing to go." I forgot about Psalm 37:4, that says, "Take delight in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart." The desire of my heart brings glory to God. Why should I be afraid to confess these desires to the Maker of the Universe? Yet something deep within me caused a deep rooted fear of disappointment held dear to my soul. I refused to get settled on an opportunity then be let down by not being accepted.
This conversation changed my thinking for the better. My prayers changed from "If this is Your will..." to "There is nothing I want to do more than the idea of working with the local churches in Karamoja and start children's ministries -- to disciple these children every day, and teach them of the love of Jesus. This is MY heart, and what I want to do with the rest of my life. But deeper than that, I pray that Your will be in my life. Guide me to what You want me to do, and if this isn't it, guide me now to what is right." Since the moment my prayers have switched, I have felt a peace. there has been such a relief in confessing my heart to my Savior. I have been filled with a courage to keep pressing on in my application process, and to continue to deeply pray for the dream which lays on my heart and the people who have been placed there. I have officially turned in all pieces of my application, and reference forms have been sent out. I am still unsure of when I will hear anything, but I will continue through all the steps I need to accomplish.
I will never stop being astounded by the places I find myself being grasped by God. From church pews to conversations with complete strangers on airplanes to public bathrooms during a pass by conversation with a friend. But no matter where I am in the moments God grabs my heart, my life forever changes me.
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