One of the biggest battles in my life
has been the fear of failure. I am a perfectionist to the core, and I
am always so afraid of letting people down. When something I did
disappoints someone else, I feel so guilty I become so sick to my
stomach, and sometimes can't get out of bed from being so sick. I
have made huge strides in this battle. I use to not turn my homework
in because I didn't think it was done right. Even after slaving hours
on end over it! I rather get a zero than fail. Luckily I broke that
in high school, but the battle still exists and I still am fighting
for my life.
This past week, I found myself failing
this fight. I am overwhelmed with so much going on. I am planning a
week trip to South Africa, and need to make sure all is placed in
order before I leave. I have a team coming next week, and an adoptive
family coming for their court date. We just took in two more kids,
which takes more effort getting them settled along with what our
board wants us to do for each kid (bios and pictures. Clothing sizes
and general information). Everything came crashing down at one time,
and I let the old lies creep back into my head. The pressure to get
every project completed perfectly became my obsession. I am human. No
way can I do everything perfectly. Then those evil voices come
screaming back at me, “You are not good enough and you will never
amount to anything. What makes you think you will make a difference?”
Of course, I buy these lies. I fell so hard in my battle. It took
every ounce of courage to keep the smile on my face. Then Friday
happened. A couple different people came to me and said my actions
disappointed or angered them. “See. There you go letting someone
else down. Grow up and start being the person everyone expects you to
be.” I lost it. After the second person came to me, I broke down. I
wept on my bed for an hour, as I beat myself up for being such a
disappointment to the people in my life.
I do not usually post bad days on
Facebook because I do not like complaining. I did on Friday though. I
felt so beat up! I knew prayer would get me through the tough season
and onto the lesson to be learned. So, I went and made my bad day
public. I was flooded with encouragement from those who love me. My
heart was touched, but I was needing some advice! Obviously my
twenty-two years of existence has yet to teach me how to win the
nasty battle of perfectionism before I feel completely defeated. Then
today happened. I loaded up my fourteen little munchkins and three
staff into our van and drove to church just like every Sunday. As the
pastor began preaching, he shared his fear of failure. I instantly
started squirming in my seat! I was pretty sure the guy broke into my
house, and based his sermon on my journal entries. We read one of my
favorite Psalms, chapter twenty three. My soul soaked up the passage,
and I began to feel renewed. I was reminded that no matter what I do,
no matter what I fail at, no matter who I let down, I will always be
loved by God. That is a truth I must cling onto until my final day!
That is a truth I must claim whenever the enemy throws those familiar
lies in my face. I am loved by God, and nothing can separate me from
that love!
I do not share this to say, “oh woe
is me!”, and I do not share to point anything towards me. I share
because I know I am not alone in my battle of failure and
perfectionism. We are humans living in a fallen world. We are no
where near perfect, but Christ is! He guides us, and brings us to the
goodness of life. He whispers His perfect love in our ears as we fail
those around us. He picks us up off the ground when we fall flat on
our faces by trying to do things our own way. He loves us. Cling onto
that truth, and forget what the enemy says. Place your value in Him,
and allow Christ to control your worth. I know that is so much easier
said than done! This is my biggest personal battle, and I constantly
struggle, but I also believe that perfect love, Christ's love, casts
out all fear. Together, we can conquer this battle.
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